Last week, I worked a 96 hour week...and it broke me. I'm a manic depressive most days living, some days surving, without taking medication. On medication it was an easier battle that drained my soul, without medication, it's a difficult fight that I hope...doesn't end.
Currently, I'm not suicidal, I'm not after sympathy, I'm not even after help, but I know that I am in danger of falling to a point where I do need help, where I have been on the edge, where I have had to be...stopped. I'm in danger of returning to places to which I am ashamed to talk about.
My friends have always been the best of me, and I guess, what I'm really afraid of is facing another bad period alone, fighting with only the worst of me.
If I'm honest, I just want to know that I'm not alone
I've fought this battle alone for so long, for so many years, without letting anyone in, that it's become really hard to let people in, to accept that anyone really cares. I couldn't write this in Facebook because that's not my place of truth, a place to trust people.
This is something that is extemely difficult to admit, something I'm ashamed of, something I can't even tell my own family...I've tried to kill myself. My heart rate has increased just at the thought of submitting this journal entry. I'm even now, wondering whether I have the guts to submit this journal.
I hope I never return to the lows that pushed me that far.
I'm not even sure, with writing all this down for the public eye, what I hope to achieve. I guess to know that I'm not alone, I'm not without meaning. Maybe I just need to write this down for me, to admit to myself that I can't do this alone, that I do need friends, that I can let people in. I don't know anymore.
I don't know whether this is a self help therapy journal, a cry for help, documentation of my descent in insanity, or just blowing out steam? I'm writing this as just how I feel, something I rarely reveal to anyone. I hate to admit I can't cope without help, it makes me feel like I've failed.
Deep down, I know I've failed, because I tried to commit suicide, and I don't know whether that stops me trying again or is a reason to not be here.