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Last week, I worked a 96 hour week...and it broke me. I'm a manic depressive most days living, some days surving, without taking medication. On medication it was an easier battle that drained my soul, without medication, it's a difficult fight that I hope...doesn't end.
Currently, I'm not suicidal, I'm not after sympathy, I'm not even after help, but I know that I am in danger of falling to a point where I do need help, where I have been on the edge, where I have had to be...stopped. I'm in danger of returning to places to which I am ashamed to talk about.
My friends have always been the best of me, and I guess, what I'm really afraid of is facing another bad period alone, fighting with only the worst of me.
If I'm honest, I just want to know that I'm not alone
I've fought this battle alone for so long, for so many years, without letting anyone in, that it's become really hard to let people in, to accept that anyone really cares. I couldn't write this in Facebook because that's not my place of truth, a place to trust people.
This is something that is extemely difficult to admit, something I'm ashamed of, something I can't even tell my own family...I've tried to kill myself. My heart rate has increased just at the thought of submitting this journal entry. I'm even now, wondering whether I have the guts to submit this journal.
I hope I never return to the lows that pushed me that far.
I'm not even sure, with writing all this down for the public eye, what I hope to achieve. I guess to know that I'm not alone, I'm not without meaning. Maybe I just need to write this down for me, to admit to myself that I can't do this alone, that I do need friends, that I can let people in. I don't know anymore.
I don't know whether this is a self help therapy journal, a cry for help, documentation of my descent in insanity, or just blowing out steam? I'm writing this as just how I feel, something I rarely reveal to anyone. I hate to admit I can't cope without help, it makes me feel like I've failed.
Deep down, I know I've failed, because I tried to commit suicide, and I don't know whether that stops me trying again or is a reason to not be here.
Currently, I'm not suicidal, I'm not after sympathy, I'm not even after help, but I know that I am in danger of falling to a point where I do need help, where I have been on the edge, where I have had to be...stopped. I'm in danger of returning to places to which I am ashamed to talk about.
My friends have always been the best of me, and I guess, what I'm really afraid of is facing another bad period alone, fighting with only the worst of me.
If I'm honest, I just want to know that I'm not alone
I've fought this battle alone for so long, for so many years, without letting anyone in, that it's become really hard to let people in, to accept that anyone really cares. I couldn't write this in Facebook because that's not my place of truth, a place to trust people.
This is something that is extemely difficult to admit, something I'm ashamed of, something I can't even tell my own family...I've tried to kill myself. My heart rate has increased just at the thought of submitting this journal entry. I'm even now, wondering whether I have the guts to submit this journal.
I hope I never return to the lows that pushed me that far.
I'm not even sure, with writing all this down for the public eye, what I hope to achieve. I guess to know that I'm not alone, I'm not without meaning. Maybe I just need to write this down for me, to admit to myself that I can't do this alone, that I do need friends, that I can let people in. I don't know anymore.
I don't know whether this is a self help therapy journal, a cry for help, documentation of my descent in insanity, or just blowing out steam? I'm writing this as just how I feel, something I rarely reveal to anyone. I hate to admit I can't cope without help, it makes me feel like I've failed.
Deep down, I know I've failed, because I tried to commit suicide, and I don't know whether that stops me trying again or is a reason to not be here.
Finally fixed my PC
Not been able to do much with my PC being broken. Just spent more than 3 days trying to clone my failing and damaged HDD onto a SSD.
Finally have a working PC :D
I'm back
I haven't been on DA since January after I had a nervous breakdown and worse.
I've been in a funk since then and not really felt artistic or even had the energy to take photos.
I'm trying to get some photographic mojo back with some new photos/finally getting round to editing the ones I've already taken.
Shade Needs Your Help
Ever since so many kind people helped when Minzi needed surgery, I've made it a point to donate and share to every animal that needs surgery.
This little fella has really captured my heart
Found abandoned in a hole with twisted and deformed back feet, his rescuer is looking for help to pay for the surgery to amputate his back feet (he will hopefully later receive prosthetic limbs).
So if everyone can be so kind as to share, and if you can donate a little something, I'm sure Shade and his rescuer would appreciate it.
Time
First of all I'd like to thank everyone for the almost 11,000 fav's I've received since being a member of DA. They have been very much appreciated and mean a lot to me.
Once, I had more time and received less fav's, so I made it a point to thank everyone for each fav I received. Now I find it hard to even find the time to be on DA and edit photos, I'm finding it harder and harder to find the time to thank everyone for each fav, and that makes me feel bad to a point that it adds to an already high stress level
I've made the reluctant decision that I can no longer show my appreciation for every fav I receive by thanking each deviant perso
© 2014 - 2024 Quoth-Raven
Comments3
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You aren't alone, you have E.P. Hes a penguin on a mission. Its you job to make sure that mission doesn't include wiping out the rest of the penguin race. Important stuff!
You have us too, we're not nearly as awesome as E.P. though but we are at least guaranteed to annoy the crap out of you when you least expect it
Also... its very cathartic to write this stuff down. Even when it makes you feel shitty. Sharing helps
You have us too, we're not nearly as awesome as E.P. though but we are at least guaranteed to annoy the crap out of you when you least expect it
Also... its very cathartic to write this stuff down. Even when it makes you feel shitty. Sharing helps